I am taking the decision
to write in English since sometimes the language of my deepest
feelings are in this language. I think in a way it is funny, but sometimes
I feel sad I can't really express what I feel in my own language...
maybe it is because most of the music I listen is in English and my
heart is so broken into pieces that I feel more connected to it now...
It's been over two months
since I returned home. And if I would say it has been easy, I would
be lying. Returning was hard, still is.
It took me almost two
months to set free the bike out the cardboard box! That says a lot...
But I finally did it because I got in a high and I felt I could do it
with no problem. That is how it was. I was ready, and while putting
the pieces together I didn't cry and I didn't feel sad or rage... I
did it on the right time, starting the wave of the dog on the Mayan
Calendar with love, and the mother of Artur without being aware of
it, helped me a lot with that. Also Montse (and Roser, her baby girl
in the belly) came to help me with the process).
I went on a bike ride too
with Roser and Núria, I was out of shape but we managed to make 22
km and some of them were on big hills and I was impressed I didn't
die... But I knew I didn't set the bike correctly, and my handle bar
went out of place... and I crushed in a very funny way! I still have
to fix it.
I got new tools for the
bike, a new kilometer-counter, and I am setting for a possible future
adventure, bit by bit I am getting all the gear for camping... I am
not rejecting the idea that I will go on a solo trip eventually,
maybe not this year, but probably until the summer 2020 (for a long
ride) and maybe in between now and then I hope to do something...
Returning was good,
because despite I felt a failure, my friends and family made me see
that this was something only myself could see. They encouraged me to
believe I was brave to leave, a fierce woman who biked 3775 km in
South America, and many other good qualities. They haven't let me go
down, and that was very appreciated. I got to spend time with them! I
realized that while planing my bike adventure I forgot spending time
with many of them. While pedaling I thought that the day I would be
back I would spend as much time as possible with them, even if
sometimes the logistics wouldn’t be easy...
I was at my parents home
for a while, but that was hard... One of my best friends in the whole
world let me have a space in his home and I have been there since
then. It is a temporal thing, because I am planing to move back to my
grandparents house, but this time I am hoping to move to the second
floor and have a place/space for my own.
About Artur and I... Must
tell that I would rather not talk to him. With knowing he is alive I
am doing great. I actually asked him to not tell me anything until I
feel ready for it... And I am not ready yet. I have gotten messages,
that put me in big rage and anxiety... nothing good to feel to be
honest. And anyone around can feel when this happen... I start crying
in corners, I drink, I scream, and I basically don't take care of
myself...
I hope he is happy.
I have had many time for
myself. I was lying in bed for several days upon my arrival, just
watching Netflix... and basically doing nothing. Then I realized that
this wasn't what I wanted to do. So when moving with my friend, then
I started buying all the food I wanted and I cooked like crazy! I fed
him and he gained color and I gained some weight. And I realized how
much I enjoy eating food I prepare myself!! and the way I want it!
(and too bad the oven isn't really working).
I have started doing the
calendar. It is hard to do something good after two master pieces,
but I am working on it. I have done lots of Art. And some of it is
connected to the trip, but I don't have many images to work on it
because I didn't take my camera with me... So I am using what I can
find on the blog, or some pictures I am lucky to have ;) But I have
been doing art, and that has helped me a lot on my healing process.
Ah! I got a job, starting
in September in a Forest School based on Alive Education. The school
name is Erol, and I am stocked to become part of this project!
Anyway... this is the blog
now... and I can write with freedom for what I feel. And some days I
feel like crap, others I feel on fire with happiness, and sometimes I
am in a middle point. Like always, my life is a roller coaster! And
it seems it will keep being this way... ( So I better get used to
that).
Maybe I will write back,
just to vomit more words again. Or maybe to express how much better I
feel... and hopefully it will be the second one. Because I am looking
forward to FEEL BETTER.
I got this on my Yoggy
tea... Life is a flow of love, your participation is required. So I
am going to participate! <3
Thanks for reading.